In this post, based on my personal experience, I will highlight three key lessons I learned through planning a funeral for a loved one who recently died. The funeral and burial were pre-arranged and pre-paid and yet, the entire affair required an enormous amount of work.
Friends, I am by no means an expert in this area and this is not a post that will tell you how to prepare for a funeral step by step. However, I hope to serve as a bit of a guide through sharing my experience. If it helps someone to get through this process more smoothly, then it would be time well spent.
Plan your funeral in advance

Before we delve into the lessons learned, let me just say that to plan your own funeral in advance has been cemented in my mind as a good and noble thing. When pre-planning, you would have the time and energy to research, discuss options, clarify your wishes, and formalize your intentions. This is a proactive position, and you could take your time and spare your loved ones a great deal of guessing and pressured decision making. This is ideal and I’m putting it on my personal to-do list. I don’t think it has to be anything formal or fancy.
And I’m not saying that you have to pay for it in advance. Although this would be great, you may not be in a position to do that right now. But at the very least, you can communicate and write down your preferences so that you don’t leave people guessing what you wanted.
However, according to the Funeral Service Association of Canada, the number of Canadians taking a proactive approach is fairly limited.
Every day, 2,000 people prearrange and prepay for their funeral wishes across North America. Every year across the country tens of thousands of Canadians make some form of pre-arrangement for their funeral or final sendoff. However, approximately two-thirds of Canadians do not pre-plan their funeral. This is because many people do not understand the benefits of pre-planning or what options there are available to them through working with a funeral home. It may be morbid to think about, but if you died today, would you have left behind any plan or wishes for your final sendoff? Or would your family begin scrambling to pull it all together?
Planning a funeral when someone has died
But when you’re planning a funeral in response to a death, you are limited in so many ways.
By time and finances.
By your energy levels at the time.
By the need to seek immediate consensus amongst various family members.
Plus, managing your own personal situation at the time (think relationship issues, work stressors, personal financial pressures, trouble with your kids, … ).
This is a reactive position. Less ideal, but often this is the way. And according to the data, this is generally what we should expect. But nevermind, because we’re here working to shift that narrative, yes?
Knowing that sharing is caring, allow me to share some lessons learned through a recent experience in funeral planning following the death of a cherished family member.
Hard-won lesson No. 1: You will be tired.

Funeral planning is a lot of work. Even when it is pre-planned and pre-paid, there are still a million moving pieces that require decisions. And let’s remember that this is likely not something you had preemptively made room for in your schedule. In many cases, before you were thrust into this situation, you were running full throttle, taking care of life and all that it entails. And then you got the news. Like so many of us, you may go into this process already tired.
And unless you are solely responsible for the planning, you will need to confer with others on pros and cons of decisions, timing of items in the service, floral arrangements and their precisions (how many shades of pink roses are there?), final clothing choices for the deceased, … the list goes on and on. Frankly, it becomes a full-time job for a period of time. If you are not yet familiar with building spreadsheets, I suggest you start learning, as it will be very helpful.
Technology is helpful here, as information can be shared via emails and phone calls. As this was our first experience, our approach was to start with a phone call to develop a general sense of requirements and tasks for immediate decision, and then we advanced the communication via email. Using this approach, we probably had 2-3 phone calls with the funeral director per week, with additional phone calls with the officiating clergy and caterer, and email contact with musicians. It’s busy and requires a great deal of time, dear friends. This is not to be underestimated.
Recommendation
If you can take some time off of work to support the planning and your well-being, do it! Trying to manage the demands of your work life, your family life, other obligations, AND the planning of the funeral can add up to be Too Much.
If you are unable to take time off, grab your calendar and take a few minutes to get crystal clear on the things that absolutely must happen up until approximately a week post funeral, the things that would be nice to happen, and the things you could absolutely put on hold for awhile. Be ruthless in this assessment. It’s only for a short time. If you have to disappoint some people for a bit, your relationships will survive. If you have to cancel your participation in a few events, the show will go on. Preserve yourself so that you can give as much as you would like to give this critical event. You will be so glad that you did.
Hard- won lesson No.2: Request and review the signed contracts
If the funeral and burial have been pre-paid – and it is a blessing if this is your experience – request as much information up front as possible. In recognition of the inevitable nature of life, your loved one had the forethought to finalize arrangements through contracts, which you should be able to see. If you don’t know what you’re working with, you won’t know what you’re working with… yes? So get the contracts.
Key consideration
And know this: there could be more than one set of contracts. For example, if your loved one pre paid arrangements with a funeral home AND with a cemetery, there are likely to be two sets of paperwork, each with their own terms and conditions.
This may seem self-explanatory, but walk with me through this scenario for a minute. This is potentially your first experience, you’re tired and a bit emotional, and you’re trying to do everything right. You’re relying on the funeral director to walk you through the necessary. And the funeral director is liaising with the cemetery on your behalf. All good.
But understand this: if there is a separate set of contracts for the cemetery with its own stipulations, you are ultimately responsible for abiding with the rules as outlined in the separate contract. Ignorance of the law is no excuse, as they say. And if you haven’t seen these other contracts, and don’t know what the rules are, you could be setting yourself up for trouble.
Recommendation
Ask the funeral director for all contracts related to the funeral and the burial. And if they cannot provide them because they are outside of their jurisdiction, find out who can and go get them. Like a dog with a bone, friends… don’t give up.
Lesson No.3: Death care provision is a business.

The death care industry is just that: an industry. This is not to say that the people you encounter are inconsiderate or uncaring. Far from it. The funeral director we worked with was professional, respectful and timely with information. He was great.
However, while the event is personal to you, it is, indeed, a business. The infrastructure around death is costly and it is managed just as any other enterprise would be, with timelines needing to be met and deliverables paid for.
I don’t mean to overly emphasize this aspect, but I think it’s important, especially for we Canadians. Here in Canada, the social safety net supports us through significant life costs such as childbirth and many aspects of health care. But here’s something to get clear on, friends. You get to enter the party for free, but checking out is going to cost you… or somebody. Death is an expensive business.
The Costs

For our friends in the United States of America, USA Today notes that “…the average cost of a funeral with viewing and burial is $7,848.” The article contains a handy little table with median costs per state. For example, in Tennessee, the median cost of a funeral with viewing and ceremony followed by burial is $7,271, and the median cost of a funeral with viewing and cremation is $6,314. Pretty sweet little tool.
In Canada, take a look at funeral information found on the Federal Government of Canada site. Note that the information is captured under the category of the modern marketplace. It’s not personal, it’s just business. However, the plus side of it being a business is that the industry is regulated, which is always helpful.
While we’re taking a look at costs, I invite you to give some thought to this little scenario. Our funeral went a bit longer than anticipated. It was a beautiful service that was appreciated by many. Like an adult party, you have an approximate idea of when it will end but – unlike a kiddie party – one is not specifically adhering to a strict end time. This is The Funeral, the last public opportunity to celebrate this person. It is unlikely that you are closely watching the clock.
But alas, dear friends, do not let time get away from you. While the ceremony officiant may have time, the cemetery where your person is to be interred may not be as flexible and may exact significant late fees. Remember… it’s a business. And there are people and machinery involved in opening and closing the grave. People + machinery = money. And this is why you need to see the contract, so that you can be made aware of pesky things like late charges. Trust me, it will save you from having some awkward discussions.
Recommendation
In addition to reading the contract, check the cemetery website to learn about their late policy and related charges. As per the Bereavement Authority of Ontario
Ontario Regulation 30/11 section 68(3) regarding access to price lists on a licensee’s website states:
Every operator who maintains or makes use of a website to promote the sale or provision of a licensed supply or service or to enter into a contract for the sale or provision of a licensed supply or service shall ensure that the operator’s price list is available, without charge, in a printable form in a clearly visible place on the website.The intent of this regulation is to provide simple, unconditional access to a licensee’s price list to enhance transparency for consumers. Requiring that the consumer provide their identity or contact information or acceptance of any other terms prior to accessing the price list is contrary to the objectives of the legislation and can be interpreted as creating barriers for consumers.
Price lists must be easily accessible and clearly visible on a website and not concealed, or otherwise positioned to force a consumer to “hunt” for it.
Registrar’s Directive: Price list disclosure on websites. 16 Jul 2021
Summary
To plan a funeral is a privilege. This is your opportunity to ensure the crafting of the type of service or event that your loved one would have wanted. Seek out tips for planning through research and discussion with those who have been through it; use a funeral planning checklist so that you can stay on top of all of the moving bits and pieces; and give yourself the grace you deserve as you work your way through the process. It is heavy lifting. Do your best.
Have you had to plan a funeral? What funeral planning tips can you share and what would you do differently if you had to do it again? Please share in the comments so that we can all learn together as a community.