If you want to know, you’ve got to ask! Asking the right questions can lead to cherished conversations, enhanced mutual understanding, and can create lasting memories. In this post, you’ll find a list of 6 essential questions to ask your parents before they die. Give it a shot… who knows what you’ll learn?!

If you don’t know your parents, or don’t have a relationship where you feel you could ask these questions, that’s ok. Families are complicated and sometimes our relationships are not the way we would wish them to be. Be sure to find safe, loving and fulfilling relationships where you can.

Shocking fact: Your parents lived full and interesting lives before you came along, and during the time when you didn’t seem to understand that they were their own person outside of being your parent. Let’s consider these questions as an opportunity to better understand their lives and deepen our connections, especially now that we’re all adults.

And know that you can also put some of these 6 essential questions to the older people in your life who are important to you. So many of us have aunties and uncles by love and friendship who mean the world to us. Ask them.

And do remember, everyone has their areas of vulnerability, and is entitled to their privacy and their personal feelings. So be prepared to gently ask the questions and to respect their boundaries and answers. It’s their life story, after all. You have your own.

Just a note – this doesn’t need to be a serious and heavy discussion. Keep the questions on your phone and whip them out when you’re having a casual conversation and you feel the timing is right. Just a question or two might open up a whole new area of understanding between you.

So without further ado…

Questions to ask your parents before they die – Number 1

What are some stories about your own parents/grandparents that you want me to know?

For those of us who grew up without easy access to grandparents, or with no grandparents at all, this one is especially important. Gaining that sense of history through story telling is invaluable. And understanding more about those who raised and shaped your parents will help us to understand the trickle down impacts on our own childhood, the resulting way we interact with others, and even how we raise our kids.

For example, let’s say your grandparents lived through a time of severe shortage, where having access to enough food and the necessaries of life was a preoccupation. And even though their socio-economic climate had changed over time, this experience resulted in one of your parents being raised to be extremely careful with food and every. single. thing. Waste not, want not.

Which led to your childhood experience where throwing out things like small scraps of yarn or fabric was verboten. You might need it sometime.

Leading you to become an adult who struggles with letting things go, because you might need them… just in case. And now your kids…

Might be nice to know where this came from, yes?

Questions to ask your parents before they die – Number 2

What were the biggest challenges you faced in your life, and how did you overcome them?

This is an interesting one with the potential to be a bit heavy, so tread lightly here. This life journey is different for each and every one of us, and some people have had very challenging lives. You’re not probing for shocking facts here; rather, this could be an opportunity to help put your own challenges into perspective, or to realize that your parents also dealt with significant challenges and made it through, somehow. This is an opportunity to see them as people – not Your Parents. Just people who had to figure it out as they went and, without clear direction and lacking certainty, did the best they could. Kinda like what you’re doing.

Questions to ask your parents before they die – Number 3

Can you share any family traditions or values that have been important to you?

We’re raised with a range of family traditions, some of which become very important to us, and others that remain important only to our parents. And as we transition in to adulthood, we make choices about what traditions and values to keep for ourselves and those that we will pass on to our children. It might be nice to know which traditions your parents valued most, and why. Even if you are no longer following them, you might find value in hearing their thinking behind the choices they made, or weren’t able to make.

And maybe the traditions didn’t involve you at all and were completely unknown to you over all of these years. Maybe it was about the things they did for family back home, or something they did for one of their siblings every year, or a community person they provided support to help them build a better future for themselves and their family.

You gotta ask if you want to get to know.

Questions to ask your parents before they die – Number 4

Can you share any stories or experiences from your work life that have stuck with you?

Dig into this one, because there is nothing new under the sun, friends. Bad boss, difficult coworker, on site theft, someone telling lies on you, getting passed over… it’s all been done before, and your parents have either lived it themselves, or seen it up close and personal.

As a result of their age and length of time in the workforce, they may have also seen the longer-term consequences of certain work experiences and can guide you with a more nuanced understanding than you currently have. One day, you, too, will be the guru and will be able to dole out wisdom based on 20 to 30 years in the trenches. Until then, ask your parents. Even if the focus of your work is wildly different from theirs, the common thread of working with other people will forever yield life lessons.

Questions to ask your parents before they die – Number 5

Are there any personal belongings or heirlooms you’d like to pass down? What are they stories behind them?

I love this one, as you can learn a lot about a person when you understand how they came to own a material possession. Perhaps it was a treasured heirloom, handed down by a family member. Cherished because of the memories it holds, it has been kept in pride-of-place for years.

Or maybe they purchased an object as a reward for getting a promotion at work, or bought it on a day when they were feeling down and needed a little pick me up. It might have been purchased out of desperation, and wasn’t even the one they really wanted, but was the one they could afford.

Or maybe, when they were new immigrants to the country, someone from “back home” took the time and expense to ship the item to them, to show their care and keeping and give them a little taste of home. To you, it just looks like an old cake pan that has been used and battered over the years. To them, it is a reminder of sacrificial giving and love, making each cake baked in it just a little bit sweeter.

The story might be magnificent or mundane. Your people know the story but you likely won’t know if you don’t ask.

Questions to ask your parents before they die – Number 6

Is there any advice or wisdom you’d like to pass on to me or future generations?

Must we all keep learning the same lessons on our own? Or can we, if we are open to it, learn from those who came before us? Yes, when we were younger, we insisted on making our own way, and had to learn from our own mistakes. Age-appropriate behaviour, sure. And often, when advice was given, we didn’t have enough life experience to value it or think it was applicable to us.

But now… so many of us are finally getting wise. Wise enough to know how much we don’t know. Life experience helps with that, and makes us open to listening, hearing, and learning. It is a blessing.

So ask your parents, if you can. But keep in mind that some might be hesitant to pass on any advice or wisdom, as a result of being rebuffed earlier in your adult relationship. When the timing feels right, ask a question and let them know that you are actually interested in their answer.

Times change, technology changes, fashion changes, it’s true. But true wisdom is applicable throughout the ages. It’s up to you, the listener, to apply it to the current context. And it will be for you to share it with the next generation because, one day, your parents will be gone, and you will be left as the elder for the family (hard to believe, but it’s true). People will be looking to you for wisdom, so you’d best start paying attention now so that you have something useful to contribute to your tribe when it’s your turn.

Conclusion

There you have it: questions to ask your parents before they die. Now, how does one prepare for the death of a parent? Blessedly, I have not yet had to manage this. But I do know that the day will surely come, and I don’t want to have major regrets when it does. The things I should have asked, the things it’s too late to know… So, let’s ask the questions while we can. If nothing else comes of it, at least we’ll know we tried.

Have you ever asked your parents or a beloved elder to share some life wisdom or family history? Was it a good or difficult experience? How did the information impact you? Let us know in the comments so we can all learn from each other.